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Top 5 Best Toilet Humor Jokes

Here are the current Top 5 Best Toilet Humor Jokes based on YOUR votes.
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Current Rating: 3.24

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

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Current Rating: 3.18

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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Current Rating: 3.16

Types of People You Meet in the Washroom

Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: Joins friend in piss whether he has to go or not.

Crosseyed: Looks into left urinal, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right.

Nosy: Looks into next urinal to see how guy is fixed.

Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it.

Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Clever: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.

Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection.

Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.

Sneak: Farts silently while leaking, sets very innocent, knows man next to him will be blamed.

Childish: Leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads paper with free hand.

Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Efficient: Waits till he has to crap, then does both at the same time.

Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

Fat: Has to back up and take long shot at the urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Radical: Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.

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Current Rating: 3.13

Ways To Annoy Public Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. "Damn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. "Now how did that get there?"

8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

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Current Rating: 3.12

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking
his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I’m afraid I can’t," breathes the bartender. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,"
she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper
or hand soap in the ladies room."

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