Top 5 Best Religious Jokes

Current Rating: 3.69

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Current Rating: 3.67

Zoning for the Ark

And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?"

And Noah replied, "Behold, when I journeyed to the Jordan County Planning and Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed against me and said, "Thy property art not zoned for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou wouldst require a 1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public hearing for a variance..."

"And behold, when I toldest them it would be a temporary usage, they asked where I wast going with a three-storied ark? I explaineth to them about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the flood-gates of the sky. And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights and minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies. I barely escaped with my life.

"And another thing, oh Lord, my lot is zoned for a single-family dwelling, and Thou hath planned ark condos for even my three sons and their wives. That wouldst be a multifamily development.

"That remindeth me, oh Lord, last week at the homeowners' meeting, I mentioned the animals. They reminded me of the covenants. Feeling a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list... lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, two by two, and fowls of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense of humor and sought to smite me. But I shall work on it. Couldst Thou please assign a bodyguard?"

And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, do thy best...I shall take care of you. But I needeth the ark completed in two fortnights. Do not fail!"

Noah answered and said, "It shall be so."

But it wast not so. And the Lord saith, "Noah, wherefore is the ark?"

And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been giving me fits. Thou didst specify gopherwood beams on one cubit centers on the second level. Code requireth that gopherwood beams be placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos. When I left, they were calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinkest that we are in trouble with the animals.

"And Lord, The plan checker wentest into a fit and did gnash his teeth when he saw that the plans calleth for only one door on the whole building. He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits on each level."

And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule doth call for the ark to be completed before Christmas. Work thou very hard!"

And Noah answered, "Christmas? What's Christmas?"

"In by Christmastime! It's just an expression used in the building trade. It doesn't mean a thing."

And Noah answered, "Verily, it shall be done."

But behold, it was not done. And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is not ready."

And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and on worker's compensation and last Monday was a holiday. And the fowls of the air Thou ordered by sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots."

Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying "Oh Lord, I am undone."

And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah. Now thou understandeth why I have called for a flood to descend upon the earth."

Current Rating: 3.62

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry."

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny."

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

Current Rating: 3.53

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Current Rating: 3.47

Q: How do you fit 17 Amish in a VW Beetle?

A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction.