Top 5 Best Religious Jokes

Current Rating: 4.63

The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love.

God looks down, sees Adam, and asks "Where's Eve?"

Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up."

God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!!!!"

Current Rating: 4.33

An Amishman had stolen some lumber, and soon got to feeling very guilty about it. He was too embarrassed to go to his Amish bishop. Thus he decided to go to confession at a Catholic church to deal with his transgression.

In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the penitent.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The penitent interrupted him. "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!"

The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"

With a look of shock, the priest then responded, "Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena."

The penitent Amishman looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber."

Current Rating: 4.33

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Current Rating: 4

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.

ADAM Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

JESUS Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.

NOAH Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.

JOSEPH A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.

MOSES A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.

JOB Complains a lot.

DAVID The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.

SOLOMON Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.

ELIJAH Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.

SAMSON Hair is too long.

JONAH Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.

MELCHIZEDEK Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is known to lose his head on occasion.

PETER Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.

PAUL Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.

TIMOTHY Too young.

METHUSELAH Too old. WAY too old.

JUDAS His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Current Rating: 3.8

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "The 8:30 or the 10 AM service?"