Top 5 Best Redneck Jokes

Current Rating: 3.54

Hillbilly Birth...

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

Current Rating: 3.47

25 Ways To Annoy A Yankee

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba".
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.

Current Rating: 3.43

Advice to Northerners Moving South...

1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

2.) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them-Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5.) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6.) Whatever you do, make sure that you don't buy food at the movie store!

7.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

8.) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9.) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have Mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

10.) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11.) In an effort to match their speech pattern, Southerners also walk slower.

12.) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.

14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15.) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember all southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on, the tent is torn down and the empties are picked up.

17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words either that he will ever say or, worse still, that you will ever hear!

18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19.) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22.) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your house. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

23.) In the South, tornadoes and divorces have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24.) Florida is not considered a southern state since there are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25.) Be advised that in the South: "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

Current Rating: 3.4

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Current Rating: 3.38

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"