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Top 5 Best Puns

Here are the current Top 5 Best Puns based on YOUR votes.
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Current Rating: 3.19

Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.

"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide," one woman admitted.

"Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman."

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Current Rating: 3.16

Juan and Julio are illegally crossing the US border between Mexico and Arizona. Trudging through the desert sands, they are hungry and thirsty, hoping to find one of the many water stations set up for just such as they, when Julio comes to a sudden stop.

Julio sniffs the air. "Juan, do you smell that?"

"What?"

"It smells like bacon!"

Juan snorts. "Bacon, in the middle of the desert? You are loco."

"It is bacon," Julio insists. "It must be a bacon tree!" With that Julio sprints over a sand dune and into the hands of the US Border Patrol.

As they are being handcuffed and whisked away for deportation, Juan looks angrily at his amigo. "Well, Julio. You were close. It wasn't a bacon tree."

"It was a ham bush."

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Current Rating: 3.12

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

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Current Rating: 3.11

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"... lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back... lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

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Current Rating: 3.11

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike.

"Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

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