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Top 5 Best Lawyer Jokes

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Current Rating: 3.59

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.'

'No problem,' chimed the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.' With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.'

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong?' the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!'

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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Current Rating: 3.57

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on
that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

And it was. She won the case...

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Current Rating: 3.55

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

Client: 'Can you tell me how much you charge?'

Lawyer: 'Of course, I charge $200 to answer three questions!'

Client: 'Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?'

Lawyer: 'Yes it is. And what's your third question?'

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Current Rating: 3.54

A fella calls his lawyer's office on Monday morning and says "This is Mr. Murphy, let me talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist says "I'm terribly sorry Mr. Murphy, but your lawyer had a massive heart attack over the weekend and died."

Mr. Murphy says "Oh, OK" and hangs up.

An hour later he calls back and says "This is Mr. Murphy, let me talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist again tells him "I'm terribly sorry Mr. Murphy, but I told you that your lawyer had a massive heart attack over the weekend and died."

Mr. Murphy says "Oh, OK" and hangs up again

Abouty a half hour later Mr. Murphy calls back and says, "This is Mr. Murphy, let me talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist gets angry and says "What is wrong with you, I have told you twice that your lawyer had a massive heart attack over the weekend and died."

Mr. Murphy says "I know, I just like to hear it"

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Current Rating: 3.53

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, 'Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!'

His father responded: 'You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!'

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