Top 5 Best Hunting Jokes

Current Rating: 3.18

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and none could dispute that. But then he said they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from it’s feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber bullet it was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "ringbrook." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion. Shot with a .416 rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Current Rating: 3.16

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

Current Rating: 3.05

A hunter set out for the woods with his rifle, looking for bear. A couple of hours passed and he saw brown fur deep in the bushes.

He took careful aim and fired, there was a great commotion in the undergrowth and he hurried to the spot to see what he had shot.

He was amazed to find no trace of the animal and was still searching when a paw tapped him on the shoulder, he turned to find a big male bear, wearing a nasty expression.

He was amazed when the bear took his gun and snapped it in half.

He was even more amazed when the bear spoke "That was not a nice thing to do?" said the bear. Displaying a handful of very large sharp claws the bear said "I am going to have to kill you now, Unless!"

"Unless what?" the hunter said.

"Unless you step behind that bush remove your jeans and underwear, bend over and let me have my way with you" said the bear.

With no other option the hunter complied and following a very painful interlude walked - with difficulty - back to camp.

A few days later, armed with a bigger gun, he set out for the woods again.

Following a long hike through the trees he saw a bear in plain sight beside some bushes, took aim and shot it. The hunter ran to the place to see if it was the same bear. There was no bear to be seen. He was still searching the under growth when he felt a familiar tap on the shoulder.

It was the same bear, who took his gun and bent it into a circle. "What is it to be?" The bear asked. "Be torn to death or service me and, my four brothers?"

The hunter reached camp two days later, crawling on all fours. He took a week to heal and then, armed with the biggest gun he could find, the hunter set off determined to find revenge. Deep in the woods, once again, he saw a brown furry shape almost hidden by a tree. Taking careful aim he shot it.

When he reached the scene he saw there was no corpse. He stepped around the tree to check and found a long line of smiling bears.

At which time a familiar voice said: "You are not really here for the hunting, are you?"

Current Rating: 3.04

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Current Rating: 3.04

One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting. He woke his wife and told her, "You have three choices, either go duck hunting with me, let me fuck you up the ass, or give me a blow job. I have to run out get the dog, and load up the truck. You had better decide by the time I get back."

He returned after a while, and said to his wife, "Well, what have you decided to do?"

To which she replied, "Well, I sure don't want to go duck hunting, and I'm sure the hell not going to let you fuck me up the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blow job."

She begins to suck on his dick, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and choking.

He said to her, "What's the problem?"

She replies, "SHIT! My god, your dick tastes like shit!"

He replied, "Oh yeah, the dog didn't want to go duck hunting either."