Top 5 Best Golf Jokes

Current Rating: 3.67

Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

Current Rating: 3.5

After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do."

Current Rating: 3.45

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round." As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."

Current Rating: 3.27

One day, very early in the morning while two worms were under a golf course. One worm says to the other "Check above ground and see if it is raining". The other worm agrees.

At the same exact moment two women were on the course playing an early game. One woman was complaining about how bad she had to piss. The second woman says "Just go right here, nobody's around". So the first woman squats at the exact same moment the second worm comes up from underground.

"So, is it raining?" asked the first worm. "Yeah it's raining, in fact it's raining so hard the birds have turned their nests upside down.

Current Rating: 3.26

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senior Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senior, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senior, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senior"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senior. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred, Senior Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senior"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senior! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senior."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senior...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...............
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"