Top 5 Best Blond Jokes

Current Rating: 3.49

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's wrong?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Current Rating: 3.2

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to get started. They stroll through the house and she points out the colours she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like a nice beige."

The contractor mutters, "Umm, hmm...", pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

Perplexed, the woman lets it slide as they continue into the next room. "Now in the dining room I'd like an off white, bright and airy." The contractor nods, makes another note on his pad of paper, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The homeowner is even more perplexed but she let's it slide. They move into the next room. She says, "Here in the bedroom, I'd like blue; a peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, "Yea, OK, that's fine", writes a note... Yet again, he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

Finally overcome with curiosity, the woman has to ask, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "Oh, that... I've got four blonds laying turf across the street."

Current Rating: 3.1

Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

Current Rating: 3.07

Three blond men are out fishing one afternoon talking about this and that when one of the men says, "You know, my wife did the strangest thing the other day. She came home with 100 lbs of meat. I only say this is strange because we're vegetarians and don't eat meat."

One of the other men says, "You think that's weird. My wife came home with 100 lbs of dog food the other day. I don't know what she was thinking. We don't even own a dog and I'm allergic to dogs."

The third blond man says, "Well, you think that's weird. I've got both of you beat. My wife recently won a cruise and she's going with some female friends. So, she was out shopping the other day getting ready for this cruise and she came home with 100 condoms. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Current Rating: 3.07

Q: Why do so many blonds live in LA?

A: Because even they can spell it.