Top 5 Best Adult Jokes

Current Rating: 4.67

When former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in his political role as President.

"Its not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, its my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."

The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."

Current Rating: 4.5

Little Johnny wriggled uncomfortably on his psychiatrist's couch pouring out his heart, bewailing his inability to get any respect.

"What's wrong with me?" demanded little Johnny.

His therapist looked thoughtful. "Vell, you suffer der dilemma of both hating somevun, who fur the sake of anonymity we'll call Pee, und exalting diss Pee by vishing to be him. You hide your frustration mit ein toothy grin, pathetic miming und ein juvenile preoccupation mit sex."

"Nein, diss Pee is not der problem," he continued. "Und der diagnosis ist klar."

"You suffer von Pee-niss envy."

Current Rating: 4.38

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

Current Rating: 4

A shapely Finnish blonde girl was a counselor at a girl's camp on Wonder Lake. She was at the camp a day early to get things in order, and when her work was done, she thought it would be nice to start a sun tan "au natural", since this was private property. Suddenly, she heard male voices! She jumped up, stood in a crouch, and covered her bosom with crossed arms.

Two young men approached her, asking "Which way is it to the boy's camp on Wonder Lake?"

She said, "Oh, I know you guys, you just want me to point so you can see my titties!"

"No, no," they said, "we just want to know what direction we must go, we're lost."

"O.K., she said, straightening up standing on her right leg and lifting her left leg horizontally, she said, "It's over dat way."

Current Rating: 3.85

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."