Top 10 Best Jokes

Current Rating: 4.38

Dirty Little Johnny was in grammar class. The teacher was playing a word association game. She'd give a student a letter of the alphabet, and the student should give the teacher a word starting with that letter. She could not give Little Johnny "A", because he's say "Asshole". She couldn't give him "B", he'd say "Bitch". "C", he'd say "Cunt", and so on.

The class began to notice Little Johnny by the absence of his being given a letter. Finally, the teacher arrived at the letter "R". She couldn't think of anything dirty that starts with "R", so she gave Little Johnny "R".

The teacher winced as Little Johnny thought, and then after a pause, said "Rats". Rats. The teacher thought that's not bad for Little Johnny, and thanked him.

Dirty Little Johnny nodded, motioned with his hands a few inches apart, and then said "Rats. Yeah. Rats. BIG FUCKERS with COCKS this long"!

Current Rating: 4.25

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies.

Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

Current Rating: 3.77

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."

Current Rating: 3.73

It was the 1st day of of 1st grade for Little Johny and he was really excited. In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all grown-up we aren't going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words! Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?"

A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: "This summer I rode a choo-choo! "

The teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo, say "train" Remember to use Grown-Up Words.? Now who's next?"

Little Johny was called on and he replyed "This summer I went to Disneyland and saw Winnie the Shit!"

Current Rating: 3.66

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother....who's only 9 years old...

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things started to heat up. The guy remembered that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" she screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts up,"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

Current Rating: 3.63

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says
to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

Current Rating: 3.58

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits."

She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard."

Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were.

She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what 'shit' was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream".

The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what 'fuck' was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Current Rating: 3.58

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Current Rating: 3.57

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Current Rating: 3.56

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."