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Top 10 Best Jokes

Here are the current Top 10 Best Jokes based on YOUR votes.
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Current Rating: 3.56

Little Johnny went to English class and the teacher said she wanted the students to tell the class something that was exciting.

Little Johnny raised his hand up first, but he teacher called on Susy because Little Johnny's answers were sometimes crude. When Susy finished, the teacher asked for another example.

Little Johnny raised his hand, and against her better judgment the teacher called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny got up from his desk and drew a dot on the board and went back to his desk. The teacher asked him, "What's that?"

Little Johnny replied "A period."

The teacher asked him, "How's that exciting?"

Little Johnny answered, "Well when my sister said she missed hers, my dad shit, my mom fainted and the next door neighbor shot himself!"

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Current Rating: 3.54

It was the 1st day of of 1st grade for Little Johny and he was really excited. In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all grown-up we aren't going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words! Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?"

A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: "This summer I rode a choo-choo! "

The teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo, say "train" Remember to use Grown-Up Words.? Now who's next?"

Little Johny was called on and he replyed "This summer I went to Disneyland and saw Winnie the Shit!"

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Current Rating: 3.52

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".

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Current Rating: 3.51

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

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Current Rating: 3.51

King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife Mrs. Arthur. He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just the thing.

Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs. Arthur could command it quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the command "magic penis my cunt" and it would satisfy her every need until she gave the command "magic penis stop."

Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithful. Back at the castle, Mrs. Arthur was feeling a little horny. She decided the magic penis would be just the thing and retired to her chamber for a monster diddle. All went well and orgasm after orgasm passed for what must have been hours. By this time, Mrs. Arthur was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble.

Unfortunately, through all that passion she had forgotten the command to call off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn't get it right. In sheer desperation, she pried it from her, but still it would not stop and tried desperately to reinsert itself. Mrs. Arthur ran down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate pursued by the crazed vibro. As she passed the gate, a guard shouted to her why she was in such a rush.

"I'm being chased by a magic penis" she replied.

"Magic penis my arse..." said the guard, "Uuuuugh!"

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Current Rating: 3.51

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes!?!?!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like shit! Then I would say ..."It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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Current Rating: 3.51

Little Johnny goes into the kitchen and tells him mom that his grandmas shrimp is showing! His mom pays no attention, so he once again tells his mom that grandmas shrimps showing.

Wondering what it is the mother goes into the living room and looks. His grandmothers dress is over her head and Little Johnny says "see mom I said grandmas shrimp is showing".

The mother replies "thats not her shrimp thats her vagina".

Little Johnny replies "you can call it what you want but it tastes like shrimp to me!"

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Current Rating: 3.5

Little Johnny asked his Dad one morning "What's sex Dad?"

Dad looked kinda surprised but figured what the hell. "Little Johnny, follow me".

They went into his parents bedroom and there was Mom, butt naked and spread eagled. "Little Johnny" says Dad. "You see that hole between Momma's legs? Watch me!"

Dad got naked and commenced to having "sex" with Momma.

Directly Sis came in and said with a shocked tone of voice. "Little Johnny! What are Dad and Momma doing!?"

Johnny replied, "Sis, they are having sex."

"Sex?" asked Sis. "What is that?!"

"Sis" says Little Johnny. "You see that hole between Daddys legs? Watch me..."

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Current Rating: 3.5

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

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Current Rating: 3.49

A husband had been away from home for a couple weeks and had a romantic evening planned for him and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think your getting fucked in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention going past.

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