Top 10 Best Jokes

Current Rating: 4.5

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

Current Rating: 3.89

A drunk guy walks into a bar. He looks to the left and says "You're all a bunch of assholes". Then he looks to the right and says "you're all a bunch of queers".

Suddenly, a man on the left side of the room jumps up starts to run to the other side of the room. The drunk guy roars, "where do you think you're going".

To which the man replies, "I'm on the wrong side of the room".

Current Rating: 3.69

Superman and Spiderman are standing at a Bar, Superman is looking a bit down.

- What's the matter? asks Spiderman.

- Well to tell you the truth, I haven't had "IT" for months and it's really getting to me comes the reply.

- Its funny you should say that, on the way here I was swinging past Wonder Womans apartment and she was lying on her bed in the altogether with her legs akimbo says Spiderman with a grin..

- What do you mean? asks Superman

- Well with your powers you could dive in, do the business and be out before she knows what hit her Spiderman replies

- Ok I'll do it.....

Off he goes to Wonder Womans apartment and sure enough shes still lying on her bed as if waiting for something!! He shoots through the window, straight in, does the job and flys straight back to the Bar.

- Bloody hell says Wonder Woman, What the hell was that?

- I don't know - but my arse is in pieces replied the Invisible Man...

Current Rating: 3.64

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!" she says.

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

Current Rating: 3.63

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."

Current Rating: 3.63

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Current Rating: 3.63

The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

Current Rating: 3.58

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

Current Rating: 3.58

An 83-year-old man married a vivacious 19-year-old college coed. He was quite content, but after a few weeks, she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some satisfying sex real soon.

So the man went to a sex therapist who then gave him a very high-priced shot of spermatozoa extracted from the rare Siberian road runner; the treatment cost him $60,000. "Now look," said the doctor. "The only way you're going to get it hard is to say 'beep', and then to get it soft again, you say 'beep beep'."

"How marvelous!" the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it will only work three times in your life and then the spermatozoa tire out and die. And we don't have any more of this spermatozoa extract. The Siberian road runner has been extinct for over a decade now."

On his way home, the old man decided that he wasn't going to live through three bouts of sex anyway, so he decided to waste one of the beeps to try it out.

"Beep!" he said.

Immediately, his penis got hard and turned itself into a huge erection. Satisfied that it works, he then said "Beep! Beep!", and his penis got soft again. The old man chuckled with delight and anticipation. Having lost his attention to driving momentarily and veering into another lane, a car next to him went "Beep!" and the car behind him also responded with "Beep! Beep!".

Realizing that this noise used up his second erection, the man raced home and ran into the house as fast as he could for his last great fuck. "Honey!" he shouted at his young wife. "Don't ask any questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed."

The old man nervously undressed and hollered "Beep!" which instantly gave him a large ten-inch erection. Caught up in his excitement, she stripped off all her clothes and jumped on the bed smiling with delight as she eyed his swollen member. Then just as he was mounting her and starting to put it in the tender young wife, she said, "Alright! Now we're really smokin'!!! But what's all this 'beep beep' shit?"

Current Rating: 3.57

4 Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was be looking for work the next day!"