30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts
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Chuck Norris doesn't believe in fairy tales. He thinks you should only find happy endings at the strip club.
Chuck Norris cannot have hemorroids. Because he is a perfect asshole.
Chuck Norris orders the "side salad with low-fat dressing" at a BBQ joint.
Chuck Norris once took a kick to the balls and didn't flinch. Chuck Norris does not have balls.
Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors.
Chuck Norris was once seen following a girl out of a bedroom at a party saying, "Listen, I'm sorry, that doesn't usually happen..."
Chuck Norris once ate a dog because he couldn't find the can opener in his new cabinets.
Chuck Norris' favorite color is lavender.
Chuck Norris was once heard saying, "Boy, I sure wish Jessica Simpson had smaller tits."
Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
Chuck Norris once backed out of Celebrity Boxing, fearing the wrath of Gary Coleman.
Osama Bin Laden told Chuck Norris about the 9/11 attacks on 9/10 in order to ensure that his plan would not be foiled.
Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday.
Chuck Norris is a chronic self-deprecating masturbator.
Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work.
Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.
Chuck Norris is so gay he is Coldplays groupy
Chuck Norris likes to take bubble baths with scented candles.
Chuck Norris once went into a bar and was heard saying, "I'll have a Mike's Hard Lemonade."
In the year 1248, enraged villagers broke into Chuck Norris' castle with the intention of burning him at the stake. Chuck started crying like a little girl and the mob, feeling increasingly awkward, dispersed and agreed amongst themselves to never mention the incident again.
The number of people who saw Gigli is higher than Chuck Norris' white blood cell count.
Stephen Hawking once beat Chuck Norris in a foot race.
Chuck Norris is so gay, when he got to Brokeback auditions he handed the other actors a 12" dildo pulled down his pants and asked who was first.
Chuck Norris vs. Jay Leno: Chuck Norris - no lips, no chin. Jay Leno - no lips. Jay Leno by a chin.
Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water.
Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Shit! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort.
A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris' lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man's field and fucked every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn't trying to get back at him, he just loves to fuck sheep.
Chuck Norris injects steroids into his upper lip, so that it can bare the weight of his mustache.
If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.