10 Newest Adult Jokes

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

An ACORN employee in Philadelphia goes to jail for Voter fraud. They put him in a cell with a three hundred pound guy thick as a tree trunk with a shaved head and prison tattoos. Having heard what happens to new guys in prison and being nervous, he figures he had better introduce himself. He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, "Hi my name is Jack Hawkins."

The big guy extends his hand and says by way of introduction, "Turner Brown." Little Jack Hawkins passes out. The big guy puts him on a bunk and waits for him to come to.

"Why did you pass out?" the huge convict asked.

Hawkins replies, "What did you say your name was?"

"Turner Brown," he replies.

"Oh God," little Jack said. "I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'."

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

The California Highway Patrol Officer pulls over to the shoulder behind the blonde driver in obvious distress. What isn't obvious is why her two blonde passengers are lifting their tops and baring their breasts to passing motorists who respond by slowing down, honking their horns and yelling encouragement out the windows, creating a traffic nightmare on one of Los Angeles's busiest freeways.

"What the hell is going on here?" the officer demands.

"Well, duh, I've got a flat tire," the blonde responds.

Sputtering, the officer gestures at her passengers. "No, no...I mean what are they doing?"

"Well, duh." the blonde driver explains like its the most obvious thing in the world. "They are my emergency flashers."

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

A man enters an adult shop for the very first time on his way home from work one afternoon. He sheepishly flicks through a couple of dirty magazines, looks at the chains, leathers and rubber dolls hanging from the ceiling and casually checks out the items on display in the counter.

Suddenly, he's greeted by a "Good afternoon sir and how can I help you."

The man points at this huge item in the counter and asks what it is. The salesman replies "That's the latest technology sir, a vibrating vagina."

"How much is it?" the man asks.

"$150" the salesman replies.

And with that, the man pulls out his wallet, pays the salesman the money and leaves with his vibrating vagina. When he arrives home, his wife is in the kitchen cooking their evening meal. The man walks in, places the box on the kitchen table, pulls the vibrating vagina out of the box and places it on the table.

His wife looks at it curiously and says "Well, what's that then?"

"It's the latest technology, a vibrating vagina." the man replies.

"Well, what do you want me to do with?" his wife asks.

"TEACH IT HOW TO COOK AND FUCK OFF"

Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

After a very long time, Paddy found himself going to confession. Once in the confessional he noticed one wall was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

As Father O'Reilly came in Paddy said, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but first I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.

Father O'Reilly replied, "Get out. You're in my seat."

Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

My wife reminded me of an incident that occurred when we were newlyweds living with my parents for a couple of months until we closed on our house.

"Your mom and I were sitting in the family room when your father suddenly walked down the hall naked drying his hair with a towel. I quickly turned away and your mom started screaming at him. He just kept walking saying, 'Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here--besides, it's my damned house.'"

"So you saw everything?" I asked.

"Yeah, it was hard to miss. He walked right by."

"So, um, tell me, whose is bigger?"

Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said, "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah, I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

Added on Monday, January 30th, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Mary went into her neighborhood pharmacy, walked up to Frank the pharmacist and calmly announced: "I would like to buy some cyanide."

Frank raised an eyebrow. Mary and her husband John had been good neighbors to him and his wife Sheila for many years and this was totally out of character. "Whatever would you want cyanide for, Mary?"

"I need it to poison John."

Frank sputtered. "Poison John? Mary, are you crazy? I can't give you cyanide. That would make me an accessory to murder. Why in the world would you want to poison John?"

Mary calmly removed a photo from her purse and gave it to the pharmacist. The man grew deadly quiet as he realized the photo was of his wife Sheila and John in a passionate embrace, a picture shot obviously through the window of the master bedroom of his own home.

Frank looked up at Mary. "Well, that's different," he finally said. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."