10 Newest Adult Jokes

Added on Monday, May 5th, 2008

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Added on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his childhood sweetheart Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed, Morag lays down the law:

"Now that we are wed, I have one rule. If you are ever unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!"

Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns home to find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden sheers and exacts her revenge. Still gripping the severed giblets, she leaps into her car and flees.

She speeds through the village, swerving from left to right in her rage. This attracts the attention of two local coppers, Kyle and Shamus, who take off in pursuit. Seeing them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics, winds down the window and hurls out the evidence, which thumps with a bloody splat on the copper’s windshield.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" swears Bill, "Did you see the size of the dick on that fly?"

Added on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!

Added on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"

"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Added on Monday, March 17th, 2008

Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

Added on Saturday, March 15th, 2008

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

Added on Saturday, March 15th, 2008

A woman goes into a store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line . . . It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Added on Friday, March 14th, 2008

A fortune 500 company opened a brand new sales territory deep in the heart of China. This area was so remote that few foreigners had ever been there before. The company decided to send it's best salespeople there one at a time, for one month each. The idea being to acquaint them with the people and customs of the region.

Well, the first salesman spent a month there and then it was another salesman's turn. The two of them meet at a remote train station as the first is leaving and the second is on his way in. "Man it was great" says the first, "the scenery is beautiful, the people are friendly and everything is so cheap."

Then the first salesman cracks a devious smile... "and I've got a special surprise for you. Go into any restaurant and order the extra special egg-roll, hold the hot sauce. Got that?" "Extra special egg-roll hold the hot sauce " the second salesman replies. "Right" says the first "you're going to love it!" And with that the two part company.

Well the first night there the new salesman remembers the advice, goes to a restaurant and orders the extra special egg-roll, hold the hot sauce. "Extra special egg-roll hold the hot sauce, one dollar" Says the waiter. The man gives the waiter a dollar.

"You now in strange exotic land ..." says the waiter, "where many words have special and hidden meanings" and he points to curtain leading to a hidden room. The salesman walks through the curtain and behind it is the most beautiful, dark haired oriental girl he has ever seen. She is totally naked and the salesman has a hard-on inside of five seconds. Without saying a word she drops to her knees, undoes his pants and gives him the most incredible blow job of his entire life.

The salesman cannot believe his good fortune. After all he has many, many dollars and a whole month to spend them. Each night he goes from restaurant to restaurant and it's always the same. Extra special egg-roll hold the hot sauce, you are now in strange exotic land where many words have special and hidden meanings, incredible naked girl, unbelievable blow job.

On his last day there, on the way to the train station he figures he just has to do it one more time. This time, however, he's running late and a big hurry. "Give me the extra special egg-roll", in his haste he neglects to say hold the hot sauce "here's the dollar." "You now in strange exotic land ..." the salesman interrupts "yeah, yeah, yeah where many words have special and hidden meanings, blah, blah, blah." And off he goes to the back room.

He can't believe his good fortune, this girl is even more ravishing than any of the others. "What a way to go out" he thinks as he hurriedly un-buckles his pants. She's on him in a second, it's feeling fantastic, until...

She chomps down with all her might on his pecker. "OH MY GOD ..." he screams in agony "why the hell did you BITE me?" He lays writhing on the floor in pain, blood gushing from his nearly severed member.

"You now in strange exotic land ..." says the girl, wiping the blood from her mouth, "where many words have special and hidden meanings." She smiles a wry little smile. "You forget to say hold the hot sauce ..."

"Extra special egg-roll WITH hot sauce have little bite to it."

Added on Friday, March 14th, 2008

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Added on Friday, March 14th, 2008

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.

"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."