New Religious Jokes

Added on Tuesday, January 31st     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

After a very long time, Paddy found himself going to confession. Once in the confessional he noticed one wall was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

As Father O'Reilly came in Paddy said, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but first I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.

Father O'Reilly replied, "Get out. You're in my seat."

Added on Tuesday, January 31st     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "The 8:30 or the 10 AM service?"

Added on Tuesday, January 31st

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said, "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah, I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

Added on Thursday, January 26th     Submitted by: sky king

A priest and a nun are walking through the Sahara desert searching for their next oasis to stop at when a sand storm hits and they get lost. After a day or so the camel keels over and dies.

Realizing that their lives would not be long lived, the priest says to the nun, "you know we have been bound to our religion and unable to indulge in worldly desires, but now, if you'd like, we can commit a sacred and pleasurable act."

Confused, the nun asks, "What ever do you mean father?"

The priest then explains, "well it really is quite miraculous, when I stick my penis into you, it brings life!"

The nun looks astounded and shouts "forget about me. stick it in the camel!!!"

Added on Tuesday, January 24th     Submitted by: David

Sister Mary was having a class on vocations. She asked the students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

Sister Mary: "Tommy, what would you like to be?"

Tommy: "I'd like to be a fireman!"

Sister Mary: "Fine, Tommy. Susie, how about you?"

Susie: "I want to be a nurse!"

Sister Mary: "Susie, that's wonderful. Joey, how about you?"

Joey: "I want to be a priest."

Sister Mary: "God bless you, Joey. Margaret, what about you?"

Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary: "What did you say?"

Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary: "I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Say that again, please."

Margaret: "I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!"

Sister Mary: "What a relief! For a minute, I thought you wanted to be a PROTESTANT!"

Added on Tuesday, January 24th

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Added on Friday, January 13th

A young, newly ordained priest preaches at his first parish. After a few weeks he notes that a lot of the congregation is falling sleep. Dismayed, he seeks out the elder priest.

"Father, I can't seem to give an effective sermon. People fall asleep. What can I do?"

"Well, my boy, it's all a matter of practice. For the next week sit in your study, prop a mirror in front of you, and practice your sermon. Add some gestures. Vary your voice tone. That kind of thing."

Encouraged, the young priest does as the Father had suggested. Come Friday, the two priests are having lunch.

The Elder priest asks. "Well, how did it go?"

"I'm not sure," replies the young man.

"How so?"

"I fell asleep."

Added on Tuesday, January 10th

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed an Amish man leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the Amish man. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the Amish man, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well," said the Amish man, scratching his head, "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

Added on Friday, December 23rd

On the back of an Amish carriage was a hand-printed sign:

Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust.

Added on Tuesday, December 20th

ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.POB 787

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46