New Religious Jokes

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

An Amishman runs into the bishop of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the Bishop says.

"Well, Bishop", the Amishman says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A monk who's been sheltered all of his life in a monastery has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.

On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute who says: "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

"No, thank you!" the monk says, blushing.

He moves on to the next street corner and another hooker asks him, "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

He hurriedly rushes down the streets but on each corner there's a woman asking if he wants a blowjob. By the time he reaches the convent, he's very upset.

He asks his friend the nun, "Sister, what's a "blowjob?"

She says, "Five dollars."

Added on Thursday, July 31st

Two fellers were in desperate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were nonresistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot.

However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them. Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.

Added on Thursday, July 17th

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here? Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

Added on Thursday, July 17th

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were all sitting at a table finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.

"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"

The catholic priest stood up. "I wish for the destruction of all Protestants!"

Then the protestant minister bolted up. "I wish for the destruction of all Catholics!"

The rabbi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Rabbi?"

The rabbi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of coffee."

Added on Wednesday, July 16th

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to a football game.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This is believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

Added on Wednesday, July 16th

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Added on Monday, July 14th

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.

I’ve got a few suggestions, he says. Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. The new priest tries this. Very good, says his senior. Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'

The younger priest practices these sayings, too. Well done, says the older priest. Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: No way! What happened next?

Added on Wednesday, June 25th

Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.

These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours"

Added on Thursday, June 19th

A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"