New Redneck Jokes

Added on Friday, January 27th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

After Goldilocks broke into the three bears house, Momma and Poppa bear smacked Baby bear for leaving the door unlocked. Baby bear's squeals were reported to Children's Services and the three were hauled into court.

Momma bear and Poppa bear blamed each other for the unbearable abuse and, having separated, each asked for custody of Baby bear.

In a kindly voice, the Judge asked Baby Bear "Do you want to live with your mother?"

Baby bear shook his head. "No, Momma bear beats me."

"Then would you like to live with your father?" asked the Judge.

"No," said Baby bear. "He beats me too."

"Well," says the Judge, "who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear thinks for a moment. "The Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody."

Added on Tuesday, January 17th

Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?

A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.

Added on Friday, October 14th

Q. Why does it take longer to run from second to third base than it does from first to second?

A. Because you have a short stop between second and third.

Added on Monday, September 15th

After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.

"It's twenty to seven," she called.

"Yeah? Who's winning?"

Added on Saturday, March 15th

A woman goes into a store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line . . . It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Added on Monday, October 8th

"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do. I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV. That's until they throw me out of Applebees."
--Dave Letterman

Added on Thursday, October 4th

Q: Why does Mexico never win any medals in the Olympics?

A: Because all of the Mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S.

Added on Tuesday, June 19th

Standing on the sidelines during a football game at my son's high school, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move. We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field.

The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

Added on Friday, May 11th

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Added on Tuesday, January 30th

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."