New Political Jokes

Added on Thursday, February 2nd     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

An ACORN employee in Philadelphia goes to jail for Voter fraud. They put him in a cell with a three hundred pound guy thick as a tree trunk with a shaved head and prison tattoos. Having heard what happens to new guys in prison and being nervous, he figures he had better introduce himself. He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, "Hi my name is Jack Hawkins."

The big guy extends his hand and says by way of introduction, "Turner Brown." Little Jack Hawkins passes out. The big guy puts him on a bunk and waits for him to come to.

"Why did you pass out?" the huge convict asked.

Hawkins replies, "What did you say your name was?"

"Turner Brown," he replies.

"Oh God," little Jack said. "I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'."

Added on Wednesday, December 21st     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

The key to the mid-east conflict is understanding what makes the Palestinians tick.

That would be the bombs attached to their chests.

Added on Tuesday, November 8th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

At an international medical conference the doctors are discussing advances in medicine in their regions. An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor snorts: "That's nothing. You guys are way behind us. In the USA, we take a guy with no brains, no heart, and no balls and make him President of the United States and in a week the whole country is looking for work!"

Added on Thursday, October 27th

Traffic Jam and nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on my window. I roll down the window and ask, "What's going on?"

He says "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" I ask.

The man replies, "About a gallon."

Added on Tuesday, September 16th

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger."
--Jimmy Kimmel

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman. Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"

"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.

"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

Added on Tuesday, March 4th

At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed.

Overhearing this, the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

Added on Tuesday, March 4th

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells, "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"

Added on Tuesday, January 15th

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebbecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Added on Thursday, January 10th

And now some words from our Leaders...

"Damit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.


"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee


"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991


"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing an Interior Department advisory group.


"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much limited to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes."
--Pat Buchanan, 1996 Republican presidential candidate.


"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.


"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick. They're all making love lying up against the pipeline, and you got thousands of caribou up there."
--George Bush, commenting on the Alaskan pipeline.