New Little Johnny Jokes

Added on Monday, July 21st

A Sunday school teacher was teaching on heaven to a class of kindergarten aged students.

She asked them, "Kids if I sell my house and my car, and give all the money to the poor, do I get to go heaven?"

The children in unison replied, "No."

She asked them again, "What if I quit my job and spend all my time helping orphans, then do I go to heaven?"

The children again replied "No."

The teacher then asked the children, "Okay, just how do I get to heaven?"

Little Johnny in the back row slipped up his hand.

"Yes Johnny, how do I get to heaven?" the teacher asked.

He replied, "You gotta be dead first!

Added on Wednesday, July 9th

It was the 1st day of of 1st grade for Little Johny and he was really excited. In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all grown-up we aren't going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words! Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?"

A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: "This summer I rode a choo-choo! "

The teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo, say "train" Remember to use Grown-Up Words.? Now who's next?"

Little Johny was called on and he replyed "This summer I went to Disneyland and saw Winnie the Shit!"

Added on Wednesday, June 25th

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"

Added on Wednesday, March 12th

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says
to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

Added on Friday, December 14th

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher was giving a vocabulary lesson. The word of the day was "indefinitely." She asked if any of the children could use it in a sentence. Little Johnny's hand shot straight up, but she chose another student: - "Indefinitely. The clouds stretched indefinitely across the sky."

"Very good, Veronica. How about another, Timmy?"

"I waited in line for the bus indefinitely"

"Another excellent example. Thank you."

Johnny was really going crazy and finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed so much to want to contribute. - "By the way my balls banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."

Added on Monday, November 26th

Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom. It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising position. Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mommy! What's wrong! Are you okay?" he asks hesitantly.

His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Uhm! Your mommy and I are, ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while and it looks funny but that's how it's done."

Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.
A week later, Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch.

"What's wrong Johnny?" asked his worried father.

"You know my baby brother you and mommy were making?"

"Yeah?,"

Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mommy let the mailman in and he ate my baby brother!!"

Added on Friday, November 2nd

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

Added on Monday, October 29th

Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A prostitute always sat outside and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while wiggling her pinky).

Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him.

"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him.

The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again, "Hi Little Johnny".

Johnny replied, as he put his fingers in his mouth to spread his lips apart and stretch out his mouth, "How you doing, lady!"

Added on Thursday, February 8th

One day, the mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

Added on Tuesday, February 6th

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.

"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.

"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."

Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."

So little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.

"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."