New Lawyer Jokes

Added on Wednesday, July 9th

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

'Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,' says the shop owner, 'and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.'

'You can keep the story, old man,' he replies, 'but I'll take the rat.'

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

'Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,' says the owner.

'No,' says the tourist, 'I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.'

Added on Tuesday, January 8th

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

Added on Tuesday, January 8th

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Added on Thursday, December 13th

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.

One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.

The blind snake takes a hold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit was happy to know what he was.

He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

Added on Thursday, December 13th

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Added on Thursday, November 8th

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

'Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,' responded the lawyer.

'Sorry, but I can't do that,' replied the stonecutter. 'In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'.'

'But that won't let people know who it is!' protested the lawyer.

'Sure it will,' retorted the stonecutter. 'People will read it and exclaim, 'That's impossible!'

Added on Monday, August 13th

Two Irishmen after a long night at the pub were walking home. They decided to take a shortcut through the local grave yard.

As they were walking through they were reading the inscriptions on the grave stones. They spied one which read "Here lies an Lawyer and a honest man".

Pat turns to Mike and says "Look at that will ya, two men buried in the same grave!"

Added on Sunday, August 5th

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty

Added on Friday, April 6th

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, 'Now what got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?'

'Well, dad,' answered the son, 'did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' '

Added on Tuesday, March 13th

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."