New Funny Jokes

Added on Friday, September 5th

Top Ten Least Popular Self Help Books

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

Added on Friday, September 5th

A man passing an orchard noticed a farmer with a herd of pigs gathered around his feet. The farmer was holding a
pig up above his shoulder so it could bite off an apple. Then, he put the pig down and raised another, then another.

The passerby shouted to the farmer: "Why don't you just shake the tree and let the apples fall on the ground? That would save a lot of time."

The farmer responded, "What do pigs care about time?"

Added on Friday, September 5th

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

Added on Friday, September 5th

A young guy and girlfriend were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the lake.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's about time for a kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lake. After a while the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, honey."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Don't you think it's about time you pay me that first penny?"

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies."
--Stephen Leacock

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."