New Dirty Jokes

Added on Friday, September 5th

I grabbed a shirt from the closet this morning and noted that it did not look familiar to me. I put it on and thought, "Nice shirt."

I got to the office and my buddy Steve and a couple of the ladies were milling about.

"Nice shirt," said Mary.

"Yeah, I thought so, too," I said. "But I don't remember ever seeing it before."

My buddy Steve grabbed my collar to look at the tag. "Must belong to one of the guys your wife is blowing."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The would be therapist fell to her knees and began performing blowing the guy with gusto. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A bloke was complaining to his mate a few days after scoring a new woman.

"Mate," he said, "This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants me to do is screw her in the ear."

"That is weird," his mate replied.

"Yeah," the bloke continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her head."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"

Added on Wednesday, August 20th

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Added on Thursday, July 31st

Two explorers walking through a jungle stumble upon a tribe of savages, who promptly tie the two explorers up and take them to the chief of the tribe. The chief presents them with two options: death, or pungee.

The first explorer thinks to himself "Well, anything's gotta be better than dying", so he chooses pungee.

The chief then throws his hands up in the air and yells "pungee".

Suddenly the whole tribe (a few hundred of'em) rip off their loin clothes and all begin savagely fucking the explorer up the ass. Some of the savages take sharp sticks and shove them up the explorers ass. The raping goes on for hours, and when it finally ends, the explorer is left quivering on the ground in a pool of his own blood, yet still alive.

The other explorer, who had been watched in horror the whole time says "Holy shit, I'll take death"

"Very well then" the chief replies, "death... by PUNGEE!!!

Added on Monday, July 21st

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

Added on Wednesday, July 16th

A Boy and his Date

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Added on Wednesday, July 16th

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

Added on Monday, July 14th

At about two in the afternoon, I was heading to the restroom after lunch and one of the stiffs in the office was there at the sink. I washed my hands then went over to the urinal.

He said, "You wash your hands before you piss?"

I said, "I just had KFC, I don't want my wife to tell me I taste like chicken."