New Dirty Jokes

Added on Thursday, January 28th

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Added on Friday, November 20th

This guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.

He just won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

Added on Thursday, February 26th

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken aback, "What's the good news then, Doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient nods his head. The doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."

Added on Monday, February 9th

Walking through an old town, a young man approaches an elderly man.

"Excuse me, what do y'all do around here," the young fellow inquires

"Hunt and fuck," the old man replies briskly.

"What do you hunt," the young man asks.

"Something to fuck," the aged man answers.

Added on Saturday, January 10th

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she lifted the hem of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'

Added on Monday, October 6th

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst.

He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, a customer came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he didn't have any. The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."

Added on Monday, September 29th

10 More Reasons To Have Sex

1) Sex to Increase Energy - "I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not have an orgasm. So we would fuck six, seven, eight times a day just to get our energy up. The business was a big success, until I left him. Then it went quickly down hill."
- Nora Govan, Pot Dealer

2) Sex as a Gift - "For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22 year old guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present she'd ever had in her entire life."
- Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent

3) Sex to Wake Up - "I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best way to get me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide awake, baby."
- Robin Spear, Bartender

4) Sex to Cure Back Pain - "I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes my lower back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal sex. I swear to God, it really works."
- Bubbles Delight, Stripper

5) Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter - "We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and there's not a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make mad, passionate love? It's better than an electric blanket any day."
- Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor

6) Sex as a Cream Rinse - "In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling them that sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them believed me, but I'll betcha it's true."
- Michael Cyril, Costumer

7) Sex for Stress Reduction - "Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to visit my lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about an hour, because I have a high pressure job."
- Charles Lenhoff, Stockbroker

8) Sex as a Spiritual Experience - "Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex can be a manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with the Earth, with God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so holy and nourished."
- Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher

9) Sex for Exercise - "Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has really hard thighs from being on top. It's great exercise. She demands that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You know, cardiovascular stuff. It's the only excercise I do, and I'm in great shape."
- Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery Salesman

10) Sex for Thrills and Adventure - "My boyfriend and I live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual adventures. Last week, we were at the movies, and he was playing with my pussy the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with raincoats on. No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting."
- Kitty Wichner, Dietician

Added on Friday, September 26th

A 75-year-old man went to his favorite bar and met a woman with whom he hit if off real well. They went to her place and had sex. The old man tried and tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.

A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to see the doctor about this oddity. The doctor asked him if he had sex recently to which the old man said that he had.

"Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.

"Sure do," replied the old man.

"Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor. "You're about to come."

Added on Friday, September 26th

A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can try to spice up our sex life!"

The wife asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies, "Back to back."

The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be done."

The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help us."

Added on Friday, September 5th

I grabbed a shirt from the closet this morning and noted that it did not look familiar to me. I put it on and thought, "Nice shirt."

I got to the office and my buddy Steve and a couple of the ladies were milling about.

"Nice shirt," said Mary.

"Yeah, I thought so, too," I said. "But I don't remember ever seeing it before."

My buddy Steve grabbed my collar to look at the tag. "Must belong to one of the guys your wife is blowing."