New Dick Cheney Jokes

Added on Tuesday, November 13th

"This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot."
--David Letterman

Added on Thursday, October 19th

Top Ten Signs Bush Might Be Getting Ready To Dump Cheney

10. Cheney's official white house parking space is now in West Virginia

9. Latest bumper stickers read: "vote for Bush and (to be determined)"

8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket

7. Cheney's been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings

6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed

5. Cheney's new I.D. card reads "valid through next Tuesday"

4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney's undisclosed location

3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, "boo!"

2. As with all major decisions, he's asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President

1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle's number

Added on Friday, October 6th

Q: What does Dick Cheney like about being vice president?

A: There's no malpractice insurance.

Added on Wednesday, May 24th

Q: Why does Dick Cheney like chat rooms?

A: Because he can lie all he wants and no one knows.

Added on Monday, May 22nd

Top Ten Shocking Facts About Dick Cheney

10. To make himself more appealing to Bush, executed 47 people in Wyoming

9. Once dressed up as a bellhop to meet 'N Sync

8. Recently caught scribbling "George + Cheney" during strategy meeting

7. Accused of conflict of interest after voting in favor of tax cut for bald guys

6. For brief 6-month period in 1974, known as Rita Cheney

5. As Secretary of Defense, approved "Arms For Gyros" deal with Greece

4. He's fat

3. Told Bush only place he plans on campaigning is "Margaritaville"

2. Spends 17 hours a day at "Big Brother" website looking at exotic dancer

1. Picks up chicks by claiming to be Alan Greenspan

Added on Monday, May 22nd

Q: How do you know a new war is starting?

A: Dick Cheney has a hard on.

Added on Tuesday, May 2nd

Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite outfit?

A: A belt, two guns and diapers.

Added on Wednesday, April 19th

Q: Why did Dick Cheney go to the doctor?

A: To replace his ball bearings.

Added on Wednesday, April 19th

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Dick Cheney's Mind At This Moment

10. "What should I do next--the phony chuckle or the unconvincing smile?"

9. "Hopefully he won't mention--Halibur--oh crap."

8. "W. better be tivoing 'The Gilmore Girls'."

7. "Where's the girl with my Jack and Coke?"

6. "To get the female vote maybe it's time to rip off the shirt and show some abs."

5. "Good God it's true--Edwards is devastatingly handsome."

4. "How the hell did the Yankees get shut out by the Twins?"

3. "I can snap this man's neck like a twig."

2. "That was the cue to bring out Osama! Where the hell is he?"

1. "Let's quit the cat and mouse crap and take this out to the parking lot."

Added on Tuesday, April 18th

Q: What is Dick Cheney's greatest fear?

A: That he will have to give Osama a blow job... again.

Added on Friday, April 14th

Q: How did Dick Cheney get the hiccups?

A: From drinking his Satanic Power Potion too fast.

Added on Friday, April 14th

Top Ten Reasons Dick Cheney Won't Resign

10. Trying to fix up Condi Rice with his daughter

9. Turns out when you shoot somebody, if you're not vice president, you gotta do time

8. Bush leaves at two every day and then it's margaritas and Fritos

7. Set the solitaire high score on his office computer

6. Wants to see if he can help Bush get his approval rating under ten

5. Too hard to give up Vice Presidential Discount at D.C. area Sam Goody stores

4. Wants to stay on the job until every country in the world hates us

3. Extra-zappy White House defibrillators

2. Undisclosed location has foosball and whores

1. Why quit when things are going so well?

Added on Friday, April 14th

Q: How do you know if Dick Cheney is your friend?

A: He doesn't call you "Assface!"

Added on Friday, April 14th

Top Ten Surprises In The Dick Cheney Interview

10. Admitted he's the guy who popped a cap in Suge Knight

9. Sentenced himself to a week at Gitmo

8. He's engaged to Katie Holmes

7. Revealed list of the next ten old guys he plans to shoot

6. Pinned Brit Hume to the wall with a ninja throwing star

5. Chalked the whole thing up to 'roid rage

4. Spent most of the time talking about who's going to win "American Idol"

3. His clumsy attempt to pin the entire thing on Michael Brown

2. Claims it was all part of the plan to make Bush look smarter

1. Stunning admission: "The gun was loaded and so was I"

Added on Thursday, April 13th

Did you hear about the Dick Cheney doll?

Wind it up and it declares martial law.