New Clinton Jokes

Added on Wednesday, April 16th

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY



Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

Added on Monday, December 3rd

Q: What does Hillary Clinton do in the morning after she shaves her pussy?

A: She straightens his tie and sends him of to work.

Added on Tuesday, November 27th

"Isn't politics just horrible these days? People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery. She’s so good looking now that her husband hit on her by accident last night."
--Dave Letterman

Added on Thursday, November 8th     Submitted by: pam from texas

Q: What does Bill Clinton do after sex?

A: He goes home to Hillary...

Added on Tuesday, May 29th

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

Added on Monday, February 5th

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, "Walking Eagle".

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

Added on Saturday, February 3rd

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Added on Thursday, August 10th

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.

Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."

Added on Sunday, June 25th

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?

A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

Added on Monday, June 19th

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a 'World Records' competition. The first one entered the 'smallest feet' contest and won. The second one entered the 'smallest hands' contest and one. The third entered the 'smallest penis' contest -- and lost. He came away, very dejected.

"What happened?" asked his friends.

"Who's Bill Clinton?"