New Adult Jokes

Added on Friday, September 5th

Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

1. Finally find that damned G spot!

Added on Friday, September 5th

I grabbed a shirt from the closet this morning and noted that it did not look familiar to me. I put it on and thought, "Nice shirt."

I got to the office and my buddy Steve and a couple of the ladies were milling about.

"Nice shirt," said Mary.

"Yeah, I thought so, too," I said. "But I don't remember ever seeing it before."

My buddy Steve grabbed my collar to look at the tag. "Must belong to one of the guys your wife is blowing."

Added on Friday, September 5th

Top Ten Least Popular Self Help Books

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A monk who's been sheltered all of his life in a monastery has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.

On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute who says: "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

"No, thank you!" the monk says, blushing.

He moves on to the next street corner and another hooker asks him, "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

He hurriedly rushes down the streets but on each corner there's a woman asking if he wants a blowjob. By the time he reaches the convent, he's very upset.

He asks his friend the nun, "Sister, what's a "blowjob?"

She says, "Five dollars."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

A bloke was complaining to his mate a few days after scoring a new woman.

"Mate," he said, "This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants me to do is screw her in the ear."

"That is weird," his mate replied.

"Yeah," the bloke continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her head."

Added on Wednesday, September 3rd

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"

Added on Wednesday, August 20th

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, thanks and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'what was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!

Added on Wednesday, August 20th

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Added on Thursday, August 7th

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. I think that Michael Bolton is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on 'Murder, She Wrote' sure gives me a woody.
4. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
3. Screw Monday Night Football! Let's watch 'Ally McBeal' re-runs.
2. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
1. I think her breasts are just way too big.