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Farm Jokes

Current Rating - 3.01    With 309 votes

A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final ultimatum from Farmer Buck. "Now, my son, we've had our differences, and we've argued. You know I think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think worse. Now, I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing right. I'm giving these two fine fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em to market tomorrow. You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and bring all of it home to me. See how simple it is? Two ducks, five bucks. Okay?"

Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns. Early in the morning, Farmer Jim throws Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches off. It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue, and Naughty Jen the milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her dress up above her knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so attractive any more... But Jen's a mercenary sort, and when it gets down to the bodice and knickers, she says: "Stop right there, Johnny boy, unless you got a present for me!"

Johnny's straining at the fly about now, so all he can do is grunt: "Got two ducks in me bag, okay?"

She considers. "Oh, alright!" and they start bopping away in the haystack. After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen stirs Johnny from his rest. "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it again."

Johnny stirs. "Shall we say the ducks come back to me, then, Jen?"

Mesmerized by the sight of Johnny's little willy rising again, she eagerly agrees and take another tumble in the hay. Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes. "Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, duck bag banging his leg, belt all undone. Of course, he was too late for market, and his brothers pass him coming back in their cart, smirking as they wave their wads of bills.

Drearily Johnny turns about, and shuffles home. He's moping along, swinging his bag of ducks, as he practices what he is going to say to his father, when a carriage thunders around the bend behind him. He gets such a fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the ditch. As he surfaces, spitting out weeds, he sees an elderly woman, all distraught, berating her driver. "Are you alright, my good man? My idiot of a driver goes much too fast for these lanes. Is this your sack?"

Johnny smells a good thing. "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is alright". Of course, the ducks are squashed beyond repair and Johnny has an enjoyable few minutes shedding a tear over his lost pride and joy until the old woman eventually gives him fifty dollars and drives off, leaving Johnny with the two squashed ducks.

Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his brothers smirk at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks. "You useless little bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the simplest thing? Five bucks for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have you got? Still two ducks, I see, and that means no money! I ought to...."

His father tails off as he sees Johnny's quiet smile and his upraised hand holding a wad of money. "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks? Here, here's five, and forty-five for meself, and the ducks back! And you want to know how it was done? Simple. Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks, fifty bucks for two fucked ducks, now fuck you, Buck!"

And he walked off with the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into an encore.

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