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The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.

ADAM Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

JESUS Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.

NOAH Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.

JOSEPH A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.

MOSES A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.

JOB Complains a lot.

DAVID The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.

SOLOMON Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.

ELIJAH Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.

SAMSON Hair is too long.

JONAH Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.

MELCHIZEDEK Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is known to lose his head on occasion.

PETER Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.

PAUL Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.

TIMOTHY Too young.

METHUSELAH Too old. WAY too old.

JUDAS His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

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